I Don't Drink Coffee
(by Christen Webster & David Loti)

I get jealous of coffee drinkers, missing out on café adventures, conversations on things that (really) matter. And where else will I meet the person of my dreams?

You are so sophisticated. You drink coffee every day. You are so articulated. You probably read books and stuff too.

I don’t drink coffee. No twitching for me. I don’t drink coffee. I save so much money.

'But I haven't had my coffee yet.' So you say to excuse your bitchy behavior. If I haven't had one for 30 years, what excuse does that give me? Can I rob a bank, take down a casino, stab someone, or get six stars in Grand Theft Auto?

I don’t drink coffee and I’m doing fine. I don’t drink coffee and I’m still alive.

But maybe just in case I’ll form an addiction to chai lattes.

©2011